This Week on Punk’d: Republican Senator Mel Martinez

Retiring from politics in 2010 at the ripe age of 62, Mel Martinez (R-FL), who won his seat by a very small margin in 2004, will thereby avoid a very tough bid for re-election. Martinez’s policy positions closely mimic those of current President George Bush who at the time of the 2008 election had a 9% approval rating in Florida. Nine percent does seem a little high to us, but then again is it really that surprising after how wonderfully the war in Iraq has gone combined with the thought of what the Social Security situation in Florida would be like if Bush had been successful in privatizing it? Well one thing is for sure, apparently Martinez is the only Republican in Florida that understands that scandalous activity and even a minor connection to George Bush is devastating enough to derail almost anyone’s political career. And so, gracefully and dutifully, he won’t seek re-election in 2010.

Wonder what Martinez is thinking now that CNN is reporting that Republicans are URGING former Florida Gov. Jeb “I’ll have to change my name to win” Bush to run for his vacated seat. Probably something along the lines of, “Am I being Punk’d? Ashton Kutcher, you bastard, where are the cameras? Jeb Bush, really? Haha, you got me good, you SOB!”

To his credit, Jeb has definitely been the least directly harmful Bush in politics. Among the very worst things he did as Gov of Florida was to slash a ton of funding for pubic libraries and after school programs and support the pro-life request for Teri Schiavo to be kept ‘alive’ on life support. He actually left office in 2006 with…

You Must Give Your Cape and Scepter to Me…

You know who’s living the American dream? Karl Rove, the original Joe the Plumber. Karl, I don’t have a college degree or any sort of objective experience to speak of, but have somehow landed a job as a political analyst despite being fired by several campaigns, doing myriads of unscrupulous deeds, and leading what many to consider to be the most unethical campaign ever, followed by serving as chief adviser to a man who even more refer to as the worst president ever, Rove. If you think your circumstances were hindering or your childhood life was bad, you’re wrong. Karl Rove’s were much, much worse. For most of his life, he erroneously believed the man who raised him was his biological father, only to find out upon leaving his mother on account of being homosexual that in fact he was his adoptive father. Twelve years later, his mother committed suicide. Guys like Karl Rove should inspire all Americans and reinforce that anyone can do anything, make lots of money, and have lots of people honestly believe they have something worthwhile to say, without having to start a cult.

But even Dio, who had his day in the sun, had to pass the torch, and so it’s time for Karl to follow suit. The dream is over, and the ride was nice. It made for some great Daily Show episodes, but has run its course; Karl Rove has no business making any comment on future American politics. Yet recently, Karl Rove stated that he was impressed with the make up of Obama’s economic advisory board. Considering Karl Rove has proven to be the anti-Midas, turning everything he touches into mud,…